


Desperate

by Dabethan



Category: Homestuck
Genre: I have no idea what to tag this with, slutshaming, this was a mistake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:15:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23833708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dabethan/pseuds/Dabethan
Summary: I was thinking about some Dirk ships I've seen, and I thought this would be funny for some reason
Relationships: Cronus Ampora/Dirk Strider
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	Desperate

**Author's Note:**

> God why. I swear I actually do love Dirk
> 
> TWs:
> 
> Slutshaming and use of the word, references to cheating, Cronus
> 
> Also I discovered AFTER I wrote this that Rufioh only calls WOMEN doll. But when I showed the fic to some friends they all agreed to keep it, so now Rufioh calls men doll too. IT'S EQUALITY

Look. Your dating options may be limited these days, that is true. But under no circumstances will you subject yourself to having sex with Cronus Ampora.

TG: aw u should giv him a chance  
TG: hes got a wizord scar!!! facinatin when you think about it  
TG: also he is a tiny bit sexy like he wears tight clothes and shit yknow  
TT: No. What the fuck.  
TT: Look, I have some faults. But Ampora? The absolute worst. Does that fuck even have any interests?  
TG: i dunno  
TG: smokin  
TT: Oh, so he's invested in ensuring his life expectancy is cut in half. Excellent.  
TT: ... actually that is kind of hot.  
TG: i told you!!!  
TG: and n e way the most important part is that he absolutely would say yes like ur guaranteed to get some fuck that guy is so desperate  
TT: I'm sick of sluts.  
TG: wow that is very hypocritical dirk  
TT: It takes one to know one.  
TT: And boy would I know one.  
TG: and yet  
TT: And yet.  
TG: when was the last time u actually got laid  
TT: Well it certainly wasn't for lack of trying.  
TG: yea last friday was embarassing :/  
TT: I don't want to discuss last Friday. Ask me again at 4 am.  
TG: k

You swipe through boy after boy, most of which have ghosted you, some of which have you outright blocked due to...problems. You grumble as you swipe, pausing your thumb when you reach the greaser dumbass with his hair slicked back. He's winking, grinning up at the camera, which is angled down over his shirtless torso.

You carefully bookmark his profile and then swipe left.

Bars are possibly the worst, seeing as how you don't really drink, but you sit there nursing a single shot of whiskey for two hours trying your absolute best to look approachable. Recently, it has come to your attention that your lack of expression tends to quote "freak people out," so you've been making an effort at smiling and looking friendly.

Judging by your turnout so far, it has not been very successful.

It catches you off guard when someone actually walks up to you.

EQUIUS: D --> Why are you sitting in a corner  
EQUIUS: D --> You 100k lonely  
DIRK: Hey.

You have no chance with this guy. He's dating your robot clone. You tilt towards him anyway, because you're gonna be polite to your robot clone's sweaty boyfriend if it kills you (also, let's face it: you are so fucking lonelh right now).

EQUIUS: D --> Pardon my rudeness  
EQUIUS: D --> Hello, Dirk  
DIRK: To answer your question, I am alone in a corner because I am a perpetually unpleasant and unattractive Human who is incapable of getting the attention of even the bottom of the barrel in Skaia's tackiest gay bar.  
EQUIUS: D --> Well  
EQUIUS: D --> Have you tried Cronus Ampora  
DIRK: Fucking hell. Why is that bitch the only guy anyone recommends?  
EQUIUS: D --> You said the bottom of the barrel or perhaps crate  
EQUIUS: D --> He is  
EQUIUS: D --> I mean  
DIRK: Why Mr. Zahhak! Are you insinuating that an Ampora may in fact be _low_? _Lower than low_?  
EQUIUS: D --> No such thing of horse  
EQUIUS: D --> He's just a bit of a 100d person  
EQUIUS: D --> And most likely would not refuse a date with you  
EQUIUS: D --> As you are a bit  
DIRK: Aw, buddy.  
DIRK: You think I'm hot?  
EQUIUS: D --> I am dating your clone  
DIRK: Haha.  
EQUIUS: D --> I am being polite  
EQUIUS: D --> But also, objectively, you are attractive  
DIRK: So what is it people don't like? My personality?  
EQUIUS: D --> No, of horse not  
DIRK: Mighty hasty of an answer, there.  
EQUIUS: D --> Though may I suggest possibly initiating interaction with the other men in this bar  
EQUIUS: D --> As opposed to sitting at it with what appears to be a single shot of alcohol that is still foal somehow  
EQUIUS: D --> While making unsettling %pressions at passersby  
DIRK: That's tough criticism coming from a smile like yours, bro.  
EQUIUS: D --> That's why I don't make %pressions  
DIRK: Fair.  
DIRK: Yeah, ok, I'll see what I can do. It's just…  
DIRK: I don't know, I seem to always give off the wrong vibes. Every time. No matter who I talk to.  
EQUIUS: D --> Perhaps instead of attempting to respond in a way that they might find endearing, you should try and behave in a manner similar to yourself  
DIRK: Are you seriously telling me to be myself? Have you _met_ me??  
EQUIUS: D --> I don't understand  
EQUIUS: D --> You seem STRONGLY endearing to me  
DIRK: ...Nevermind. That makes sense.  
DIRK: What are you even doing here, anyway?  
EQUIUS: D --> I am out with co-workers  
DIRK: Oh shit. Sorry for keeping you occupied, big guy.  
EQUIUS: D --> It's no problem  
EQUIUS: D --> I came over here out of concern for you, and now I shall simply go back to my herd  
EQUIUS: D --> Feel free to join us if you feel so inclined  
DIRK: I'll think about it. Thanks for talking to me, bro.  
EQUIUS: D --> Of horse

You take a few minutes to chill out, eventually downing your shot (and struggle to not immediately puke because oh my god gross), before you get up and actually attempt to talk to someone. Your sights settle on a guy you've seen around (and you mean _around_ , jesus christ), and you casually stride yourself over.

DIRK: Hey.  
RUFIOH: uhhhh, h1?  
RUFIOH: hm... hey, wa1t, 1 know you from somewhere.  
DIRK: Probably. I'm a DJ, programmer, ect. Big shot sometimes.  
RUFIOH: oh wa1t, aren't you dave's brother?  
DIRK: ...Yes.  
RUFIOH: haha! 1 thought so... that's so chill.  
RUFIOH: n1ce to meet you, doll.  
DIRK: Right. Nice to meet you too "doll".  
RUFIOH: huh?  
DIRK: What?  
RUFIOH: why d1d you call me doll?  
DIRK: You called me doll. I was just throwing it back at you. Casually.  
RUFIOH: 1 call people doll??  
DIRK: Yes???  
RUFIOH: god... thats so we1rd, 1 sound l1ke cronus or someth1ng...  
RUFIOH: jesus, 1 had no 1dea...  
DIRK: Uh.  
RUFIOH: anywayz what br1ngs you over here to talk to me, doll?  
DIRK: …  
DIRK: I was wondering if you wanted to get out of here?  
RUFIOH: oh.  
RUFIOH: oh man... 1'm so sorry, but 1 already agreed to go home w1th someone else.  
DIRK: Oh.  
RUFIOH: 1 mean, good luck to you though... because l1ke, 1'm sure youre n1ce and you're def1n1tely hot.  
DIRK: Thanks I- wait, really?  
RUFIOH: absolutely.  
RUFIOH: 1'd tap that 1f 1 wasn't marr1ed.

Your mouth falls open, speechless for a moment while he continues.

RUFIOH: actually... maybe we could do someth1ng tomorrow?  
RUFIOH: he should be out of town for l1ke… f1ve hours for some project he's work1ng on.  
DIRK: By he. Do you mean your husband.  
RUFIOH: haha, yeah, anyway...  
RUFIOH: do you want my number?  
DIRK: Actually, shit, dude, I just remembered that my sister is going into labor. Right now  
RUFIOH: oh, holy sh*t!  
RUFIOH: what an extremely unl1kely and co1nc1dental problem that 1s.  
DIRK: Totally. Hey, I'll see you around.  
RUFIOH: of course doll...  
RUFIOH: always lovely to meet a fan!  
DIRK: What- ok. Ok bye.

You leave without an answer, and casually sling your jacket over your shoulders, in the most badass final moment you can muster. You go home to a dark apartment covered in phallic puppets, random machinery, and cold half eaten pizza.

You flip open your dating app, wiping a hand down your face as you groan. You flip through your bookmarks, and finally tap that heart.

TT: Sup.  
CA: hey chief, howvs it.  
TT: Not much. Just got back from not drinking at a bar like a moron.  
CA: ugh, yeah. gotta sip like a shotglass of somethin awvful to pretend youre drinkin, yknowv?  
TT: ...Yeah.  
CA: shits gross. wvhy am i alwvays expected to hang around in bars wvhen i wvanna find a nice guy wvhy cant they be coffee shops or something?  
TT: There are gay coffee shops. There's one on Clackle.  
CA: no shittin??  
TT: No shittin'. We should go sometime.  
CA: oh  
CA: hey chief, youre davwe striders brother, right?  
TT: Yes. I am Dave Strider's bro, Dirk.  
CA: cool, so like, im sorry to do this to you, but like i liked your profile like a real long time ago and like that wvas before i knewv you wvere into uh puppets.  
TT: Wait. Are you rejecting me?  
CA: i wvouldnt put it like that so much as i think maybe wve shouldnt be in the same room, and if wve do end up in a situation wvhere wve havwe to interact maybe wve should stay civwil and mostly ignore each other.  
TT: Bro just say you're rejecting me.  
CA: i am rejecting you.  
CA: chief im sorry, but puppets?  
CA: puppets, man, come on thats so fucked up. evwen im not that desperate.  
TT: Wow! Ok then.  
TT: ...Are you sure I can't change your mind.  
CA: you absolutely can, i am all ears chief.  
TT: What if we had casual sex that didn't involve puppets. I am capable of other sexual situations, you know.  
CA: ugh, ok like youre hot like seriously 20/10 thats for sure, but also i wvill absolutely be thinking of the puppets the wvhole time.  
CA: you make those handmade, i knowv you probably havwe like fifty of them wvithin vwiewv of your couch right nowv.

You kick a smuppet, eyeing it angrily.

TT: I keep my sex toys locked up like every other reasonsble person. My sister has a child, do you think I'd leave my shit around like some perverted fucko?  
CA: ok ok ok ok.  
CA: wvhats your second appeal, chief?  
TT: Have you seen my pecs.  
CA: Excellent appeal, im listening.  
TT: thisisthedouchiestiveeverlooked.jpg  
CA: hot.  
TT: I look like a douchebag.  
CA: you look hot.  
CA: maybe douchebags are hot.  
TT: You would know.  
CA: ha! Thats funny chief.  
TT: What's the verdict?  
CA: yeah, im still thinking about the puppets.  
TT: Come on man, we've been at this like ten minutes.  
CA: ugh, yeah hold on lemme think.  
CA: wvheres that coffee shop again?  
TT: 58th and Clackle.  
CA: ok, so.  
CA: let's meet there.  
CA: talk.  
TT: Talk.  
CA: sure, youre a dj right?  
CA: you evwer heard acoustic ukelele mcr covwers?  
TT: No, and I don't want to.  
CA: ok, howv about movwies? you like musicals?  
TT: No??  
CA: :/  
TT: Jesus, ok this is gonna be tough but we'll get through it.  
TT: Meet you at, uhhh, 1?  
CA: you got it, chief.  
TT: We're doing this bro.  
CA:  
TT: ... We're making this happen.  
TT: I thought you knew my brother.  
CA: i knowv that hes hot.  
TT: Fuck.  
TT: See you at 1, "Chief".  
CA: ;)

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea how the coffee meetup actually goes and I am scared to find out


End file.
